#30YearsRolling – Day 4/30 – Reflections on the 30th anniversary of my injury
I’d barely had a chance to adjust to being back in my own room when I had to go to back to school.
Spending so long in hospital I’d missed the first half of my first year in high school.
I did some school work in hospital but knew I would be a long way behind.
I couldn’t go to the school I’d worked so hard to get into because it wasn’t wheelchair accessible and I couldn’t look after myself during the day.
So instead of the school where my future dreams were to be made, I ended up at a school nowhere near home.
A mainstream high school that had a “Disability Support Unit” – physio, teachers’ aides and some special ed teachers.
I had to get up at 5:15am to have a support worker get me ready for a 7:30am taxi.
It wasn’t the first time I’d started at a new school in the middle of the year.
The difference this time is that I felt angry, anxious and vulnerable.
For the first classes I had there they stuck me in a special ed class and I was pissed.
The whole time my blood was boiling inside as I kept telling myself, “I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here.”
That didn’t last long thankfully and I was out into the mainstream classes having a teachers aide push me from class to class until I made friends who then helped me get around.
Looking back, I have no idea how I made friends considering what an angry young woman I was.
I must have done a great job of internalising that anger.
Or maybe being an angry young woman was cool in the era of Grunge?
When it came time for end of year exams I was given photocopies of other students’ notes for the whole year.
I read through these over a few days and then did the exams.
Even after missing half a year I came first in the year for science from over 200 students.
Heading into year 8 didn’t feel at all challenged academically.
I did enjoy spending time in the ag plot and was starting to thinking about what I could do career wise related to agriculture since being a vet was no longer an option.
During the Christmas holidays between years 7 and 8 I had the opportunity to go to the rehab centre that I was too young for less than a year earlier.
Funny how suddenly at 13 they seemed it was worth a chance.
The therapy side was really hard work and totally rewarding.
By the end of the week I was booked in for I’d learned to dress myself, go to the bathroom without help and some skills for getting around better in the wheelchair.
I asked to stay longer and ended up there for three weeks.
The social side was a highlight.
There were a couple of 16 year olds and a 17 year old there at the same time and we bonded well.
I’d started smoking and drinking before I turned 13 and loved sneaking out the back and smoking and drinking with them.
Coming back out of the rehab centre with newly discovered independence was great progress.
I still hated life and hated myself though.
The early starts, long days and feeling bored at school added to the darkness I felt.
Recently while reflecting back on this time, I realised that while physically I’d drowned once, emotionally I was drowning every single day.
The only respite I got from those feelings was when I was drunk or stoned.
I was creating moments of artificial happiness.
I loved the feeling of being completely distracted from my life for those pockets of time.
The trap with doing that was in between those escapes I fell into deeper and darker pits of resentment and despair.
I didn’t share this with anyone.
Kept going through the motions.
Thankfully getting towards the end of year 8 I was offered a place at a selective high school close to home which got me a step closer to getting the academic challenge I needed and making friends close to home.
The song that represents this time for me is “Outshined” by Soundgarden.
#rebirthday #ToMyYoungerSelf
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.Stacey Copas, Author of “How To Be Resilient”, helps shift the way people perceive and respond to uncertainty, change and adversity, helping them to see opportunities where they once saw only obstacles.
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